By Farouk Martins Aresa
Marriage is not for everybody. Some people are at their best as girl-friends or boy-friends for ever. But the societal pressure to get married with a family push some of us unnecessarily into marriage. In these days of freedom of choice, some women prefer to remain childless; others find married men more convenient for their lifestyle forcing nave men into serial monogamy.
There are some special bred of ex-wives that stage a comeback as home wreckers. It is usually the aggressive ex-husbands who pursue their ex-wives that restraining order are sought for. These women who want to rescue their ex-husbands from his happy second marriage are cunning. They are not violent but are daring in love they never had while married to him. If children are involved, it is even a better excuse to get closer and turn men into polygamists.
The men may end up in jail for violating a restraining order but the women do it in such a subtle way that they do not attract the force of the law. These are the home wreckers since they are equally dangerous. They go about it meticulously. Even though they are usually the ones that want out of the first marriage thinking they can do better if the man is out of the way.
Generally, the grass is always greener on the other side and many people do not appreciate what they have until someone else has it. So it is with some women as the Yoruba proverb says: it takes two homes for a woman to appreciate which the better one is. Some of the women actually realize later that if they had weathered some of the shortcomings in their first family homes, they would not have to tolerate a worse situation for the fear of another failure.
They may have fallen victims to certain category of men who prefer married women, men who dread a family life or younger men who enjoy expensive gift from any woman but too stingy to give back except great sex. That counts! By the time home wreckers realize that there is more to life than all the glamour, they figure out ways to clinch back the affection of ex-husband late.
We may have noticed some happy relationships that seem to be heavenly bliss that suddenly collapsed. There are others that seem to go on forever in spite of their obvious differences. But what we do not know is how much give and take is there in each relationship. What usually works in one may be a disaster in another. Yet most men and women are fond of comparing marriages and what they would not tolerate in theirs as if there is a standard that works in all.
Luckily for home wreckers, there are all kinds of special argumentation to prop up whatever they have enough money to facilitate. So it is not unheard of to read about older ladies going for breast or butt implant or reduction, tummy tuck, designer vagina, diets to lose weight and skin toning to look lighter. Neither of these can make them a better person nor a sober soul.
Unfortunately, some of the men who fall into these traps are also foolish. They think she has changed her ways until they get closer again. The second wife and children are loaded with an old cargo on the side. Since it is not the choice of the man to have a second relationship with an ex-wife, it is her choice of polygamy making the man unable to render his best to his new family.
It makes no sense from many African men point of view to fool around with unworkable first marriage if you have the means to take a second wife or a girlfriend. It is fewer headaches with a fresh start that may be easier for the new wife to take than palaver of an ex-wife. She had her chance and blew it, there are other women looking for a new start, even as a second wife.
The fact is you never know what you miss until it is gone. Any attempt to gain it back by force as displayed by the aggressive nature of some men or by infatuation as temptation of having two women at the same time unprepared for, always turn out to be short lived. At some point it will backfire and the pursuer will eventually lose. There are many reasons for this, one of which is to remind one another why they lost out on each other in the first place.
People tend to be more matured and more careful in their second relationships. They may have learnt one or two things in their first relationships. It is said that women marry the wrong guy hoping to change him and men marry the wrong lady hoping she would stay the same. Both are usually unrealistic expectations. So in the second relationship, it is either you take each other for what each is or break up before it becomes another failed marriage.
There are men who have put up with women who love to flirt and there are women who have learnt to put up with serial monogamist. The rational varies from: they are all the same to great sex, good cook, great mother or great husband. Once they leave that relationship and they find out that all men and all women are different or worse, it is tempting to go back to old comfort. They design many ways of coming back, especially when someone else is warming the old seat.
The way back to him is usually sly as they end up being the second fiddle. In many cases, they have to settle for less than what they had when they had him as their own husband. On the way to and from dropping the kids, if there are any, they cheat with him on his wife for a cheap thrill. In some social events where both were known, they abstain because they cannot stand being seen as the loser or the sight of the new wife with him. But it is easier, if they live in different cities.
Other special bred of women pretend the man is still theirs and may not tell others they are divorced except close friends. If they are challenged, home wreckers may claim they still have him the way a girl-friend would. We have seen cases where these home wreckers who had the man once compete with the present wives at parties for attention without any shame. They dance closer to the man and shake the body like they have more than they had given him before. Oh sorry, if all condition is correct, once knocked can always be knocked again.